I have been reading books by A.W. Tozer and C.S. Lewis... they really woke me up and knock me on the head to tell me that I only know soooooo lil about God.. or anything for that matter... although i may not understand every concept in the books... but at least I am humbled...

One thing that stayed w/ me from reading Screwtape Letters is that the present is closest to eternity .. and future is furtherest to eternity.. so i gotta focus on today.. what i have now

One more thing i just came back from the mandarin camp.... learned a lot.... not so much from the sermons... but just learning to listen to the voice of God among distractions...still make time to talk to God ALONE during a retreat is hard.. but very helpful
well... a bit macking went on during the 3 days.. but not as bad as TC tho... a lota non-Christians believed.. praise the Lord.. watch over them just as U did w/ me for the past years... just as long as I am w/ U then I am on the rite track =D

Prolly cuz of the cold or something, cuz my whole body aches... but that's not the reason i want to blog.... i like this song.. heheh

Switchfoot - Learning To Breathe lyrics
Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way
This is the way that I'm
Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies
Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way

still listening to the song... and i feel soo spiritually drained... y can't i have faith like a child... still doubt... and question after sharing to so many non-Christians... and stare them in the eyes and say that I believe God still loves.. God is still here.. but y am I still unhappy.. feel like something is missing.. but nothing is missing... I got the Cross...what could be missing?
Y can't I be grateful with the things i have? Y can't I notice the lil things and be thankful... praise God for the lil miracles... feel so pointless... meaningless.... I am not gonna pretend that nothing is wrong... cuz i know something is wrong? but what is it? After reading "One Tuesday Morning", y do i still doubt about existence of heaven?
GOD! I STILL BELIEVE! BUT HELP ME WITH MY unbelief....sorry that I can't have strength to raise up like an eagle... I am just a lil weak girl... trying to make something of the life U gave me... but I feel so pointless...
oh I know what this is? I don't emotionally feel Ur presence as b4.... but I need the obedience to believe that U are still around... glorifying God starting w/ the ordinary days... the everyday things... God! Help me to overcome my unbelief... i know it hinders me...I know that U are the only way, the right way for this short life of mine... i know if i run away from U, i will be utterly lost... I still believe... even if i don't "feel" like it.. but I still believe
Even I am the worst Christian there is... but U still love me.. and that's all that matters to me now... so hehehe .... my stuffed nose... i am gonna blame all this nonsence on my stuffed nose hehhe.... but seriously God... i donno y faith comes so easy for some ppl... but it takes so much strength and courage for me say that I still believe...
Once again God... let me just say it again: I still believe in U

The hardest week b4 Christmas is finally over... i never thought i could get this through.. but God helped me... oh yes! He did! looking back all the things that happened since school first started, i am filled with joy n tears..... but most of all I am in awe.. in awe of God... His unfailing love... His closeness... His sufficient grace
i hafta say that .. the past few months are my big depression time.... but i am glad that i finally got out of it.... stronger in Christ.. instead of running away from Him.... during the hard times.. i had to rely on God to stop worry.. to learn how to breathe again.. how to sleep again.. all the basic things... and i truly came to know Him in a very personal way.. God become a real God... full of life and feelings... and He's always w/ me..leading me on... i see more hardship ahead of me... 3 tests on the same day the second monday when i get back to school... but somehow.. i learn to trust God now... He's gonna be there when i get there.... Thank you God! W/o U i am nothing!

I cried today.... no.. not just cried... but tears just pour down..... like rain lol.... i cried buckets in front of my parents, and by myself... all the disappointments about school, friends, family, my dad's job, my sleep.. blah blah.... i let them all out today.. in tears... i just cried really loud... don't care about what other ppl think of me anymore.. don't care about how strong i hafta be.. cuz i am weak... lol... everyone is weak...some times... i feel like i can't take the pressure anymore.. it's too much.... and fell down flat on my face for so many times.. not just once.. but everyday everyday.... but when i fall down.... God always help me to get rite back on my feet again.... always.... "Jesus wept" became my favouriate verse now.. lol... cuz my mom could only hug me... but God! =D He wept w/ me
The fact is i am still scared.... stressed out w/ all the tests... and i know there gonna be lotta troubles down the road waiting for me... i will still get scared.. but God will always be there for me.. it may be kinda cliche thing to say but that's the only thing i am holding on to.. the only thing that is keeping me alive.... keeping pressing onward..
still got tears on my face.... i've never cried like this for sooooooo long....... being bottled up, finally get it all go... and i feel much better now!! Now i wept w/ God... it's much better now =D this is life i guess... bittersweet... not too bad, God.... not bad at all in fact =D crying really helps for me i guess

Rise up from the mud, we raise up our holy hands to praise the Holy One. I still believe in midset of all the dissappointments.. I am pressing on ward, so I can finish a good race. Let joy and graditude fill my heart, God! I faltered so many times, but You always carry me through. After everything... I still believe with my heart and soul in You, and I trust You with my future. Whatever tomorrow brings, You are still in control.

River God by Capstone:
But when I close my eyes and feel You rushing by
I know that time brings change and change takes time
But when the sunset comes
My prayer would be just one
That You might pick me up and notice that I am,
just a little smoother in your hands
Sometimes raging wild,
sometimes swollen high,
but never have I known this river dry

You are changing me everyday... but it hurts to change... to abandon my old ways. I know it is good for me, but part me long to escape from Your hands. Then i realize that the i am safest in your hands. Your living water will always quench my thrist for your grace is always sufficient. So, God do whatever You want with me... change me, pierce me... Let Your will be done! One thing I ask: I can endure all things in You, so plz don't leave me. All I need is your presence. Give me strength to carry on! Come and carry me! I place my trust in You!

There are so many areas in my life that need to be changed. One of them is the tendency to worry. I guess it has been part of me when i was a child, living with my grandma and listening to her constant worries. I am just so used to the old way of living that when I came to live in Christ... I need to change.... and be transformed from the inward out.. not thru my own effort. It's God who is changing me, it may be painful rite now, but i know He intends it to be good. I can only be free, without the bondage of guilt, worry, pride.... sum up by the word sin. The fact is i never know that these things are wrong... until i am hit by the consequences of sins.
Things that I need to train myself to do:
- read one book at a time + the bible
- think about only the task at hand
- talk to one person at a time
- shut off the past and the future.. focus on today
Above all.. Trust Him with tomorrow
Training takes time... a life time to strive towards that goal of perfecton, Jesus. I am will fall a lota times, but HE's gonna be there to catch me.

"My heart beats for you and my love for you stires up my pity." -Hosea 11:8
I guess... the thing I wanted to ask b4 is "am I too lost to be saved, too lost to find home in Ur arms again?"
the room is empty.. everything is empty...days just drag on w/o an end...and I long to be in Ur arms... y do U feel so far away, so distant from me?
ppl are choked up by busyness.... my dad, mom, friends.. and myself.... long to hear someone say that I still matter to them, and that they still love me despite the silence.. the absence..and then I look at the Cross.... chocked by tears, laughter, hope... Life that U offer on the Cross is so full that it nearly chock me to death. Then I realize that Ur love is all that I need ... all that I need to continue... to bow down and get up again. U died on the Cross just to be w/ me.... just to say I still matter... The room is not empty anymore... it is filled w/ Ur presence... Ur love
Come and dance w/ me... carry me... cuz Ur love is the only thing I am clinging onto... only thing that last...
I need to cry in someone's arms...now that I am here w/ U, there is no place i'd rather be.... Ur arms are intangible but everlasting... and here i am finally at peace in Ur arms resting
After all... i still exist.. my life is still meaningful.. cuz I'm important to U. NOTHING can separate Ur love from me. Because the tomb is empty.. Because U are here... holding me close... I am still breathing... still living in Christ...

I am so bored.. this is not of those hhhaha this-is-so-funny summer boredom.... this is one of those i got work.. but to lazy to do them boredom. Today is the most ordinary saturday in my life... where i just sit and home and do my hwk. nothing exciting or sad.. no tears or laughter. This is one of those days that make u doubt ur own existence, cuz u are working, but not making a difference... just sitting in front of the computer... ahhhh i gtg work now...
Something stir deep inside of them.. and I know God is still here to make the ordinary extraordinary.

Well... I am getting use to life now.. getting use to its ups and downs. I am listening to "simple things" by Amy Grant. The truth is Jesus is not on the cross anymore, so some ppl should stop agonozing their pains... hehe especially me. Well, I think Yancey is greatly talented, he's a genius who got the skills to get outa the cave once in a while. But he focuses too much on pain and sufferings... not that they are not important. The Cross is the ultimate suffering, but HE is not on the cross anymore.. or in the tomb.. HE is still alive! God is still around just in case anyone doubts that. God asks us to rejoice.. to praise Him w/ thanksgiving.. to welcome trails and tribulations. I may be just a naive kid like the one in the book of Job. Maybe I haven't tasted enough sufferings to know what i am saying, but I know that the tears in the prodigal son were happy ones, and so were the ones in the Old man's eyes. There is more joy than sufferings, if we are willing to discover them. I am learing to trust God.. and also to keep the peace of God and the sacred delight in my heart under any circumstances =D

Trust God. It means more than just going to church every sunday. It requires me to abondan all my old ways of worrying, doubting, controlling my own life. I need faith of a child. A child that naively trusts, who will at least go and look for the magic place, who is not ashamed of not knowing the anwers because he is not excepted to know everything. All i need to is to hold on, hold on to His hands... and TRUST! Such a simple word, but it's also so hard. Trust comes w/ love. w/o trust, there is no love.

God, I am just a weak, sick and weary child. I need Ur loving care, Ur Providence, Ur grace. Help me to trust U!
Don't look around the darkness, but keep walking towards the light. Stare at the Light, and don't take ur eyes off of Him. Just keep walking, don't look at the sides... keep walking... that Day is not too far.

"if you tell me Christian commitment is a kind of thing that has happened to you once and for all like some kind of spiritual plastic surgery, I say go to, go to, you're either pulling the wool over your own eyes or trying to pull it over mine. Every morning you should wake up in your bed and ask yourself: "Can I believe it all again today?" ...till after you studied that daily record of the world's brokenness and corruption, which should always stand side by side with your Bible. Then ask yourself if you can believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ again for that particular day. If your answer's always Yes, then you probably don't know what believing means. At least five times out of ten the answer should be No because the No is as important as the Yes, maybe more so. The No is what proves you're human in case you should ever doubt it. And then if some morning the answer happens to be really Yes, it should be a Yes that's chocked with confession and tears.. and great laughter - Frederick Buechner

Maybe Buechner's interpretation of faith astounds a lot of devout Christians, but I admire the sense of honsty. Isn't that what God desires as well? He hates hypocrisy. According solely on human logics, the cross of Christ can bring salvation to the world sounds like a fair tale: too good to be true. I am not trying to be negative, b/c the harsh reality is in our face, shaking our faith. Hold on! I don't like the world shake... the sufferings in the world deepen and strengthen my faith. If u give a candy to a kid, how hard is it to coax out "thank you" from the child. But if u decide to stop giving the candy, it takes much more test of faith and love for the child to say "thank you". Similarly, our love for God is tested over and over again as long as we are breathing oxygen. And when i woke up this morning, I decided to say Yes to the Cross. Not b/c the world became a better place, or the sufferings lessened. Not b/c the angels in heaven sang a lil louder than usual or the scientists proved evolution is completely wrong. it's b/c the cross is too good not to be true. It's the intimate relationship w/ the One who created me that breaks down all my doubts over and over again. It's the human part of me that questions and doubts, and I need the grace of God to erase them over and over again. To say that I will stop doubting is impossible. But to run away from my only Hope, the only One that loves me unconditionally is just plain insanity.