last day at dominon

Jesus replied, 'Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.'
-Matt. 8:20

I just quitted my third and my longest lasting job in my employment history. I have been working at dominion for hmmm.....more than a year. I am not fresh obsessed nor am I much of a clean freak, but then again I was only a cashier there. I've always ... resented the job (didn't want to use the word "hate"), because of the long hours, low pay and no benefits. Ironically, I wanted to linger longer at my cash register on my last shift. I felt like losing part of me as I walked away from dominion wearing that stupid uniform for one last time. As my memories flashed back to me, I realized how much I have grown during this year. Those "wasted" hours standing around the cash register were not wasted after all, because I've met so many different customers and learned to please them, and afterwards realized that I cannot please them all. I have worked with many people and learned to accept the differences among my coworkers. I am not exactly the "cool kid" in school, so I found it incredibly hard to communicate with coworkers who are the same age as I am. The only two topics that interest me are God and school (maybe girl talks too :P), so the things that interest "cool kids" bore me to death. So here I was the most talkative person in school and church became the quietest person at work. Sometimes I can't even recognize myself, because my personality changes so fast from one group of people to another. My coworkers never had the honor to see the "crazy carol" and my close friends never had the privilege to see the "mature and timid carol". For the first time in my life (oh actually the second time), I felt like a stranger in the world, because I know that God will not be pleased if I join the gossip about my boss or open up a magazine during work. It has all been a test from the Lord, and I think I passed the test because I still don't fit in at dominion......

put it in the box

"4 You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit He caused to live in us envies intensely? 6 But He gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." 7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."
-James 4:4-8
I just read this amazing event from Soul Journey. There was a box placed outside a church in Queens, New York which contained knives, box cutters, gang colors, secular CDs, and other remnants of old lifestyles that attendees had turned in. Things that keep us away from God need to be thrown out, and we need "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles" (Hebrews 12:1). There was a guy who threw in $110 pair of sneakers and walked home barefoot to have a closer relationship with God. Maybe God is telling me to turn off the TV after dinner and stop chatting with friends online. The phone, Internet and even my beloved books may keep God far from me. I am just too busy with what I want to do and neglect God. The biggest discovery from retreat bible study was the fact that I need to listen to what God wants to say to me as I read the bible, not what I can share with others. Because I need to first have an intimate relationship with God in order to share that Love with others. hmm.... what should I put into that imaginary box? Am I too greedy to let go the things that keep me away from God?

looking back

Last night, I happened to be very bored and tired. I opened up my drawer that contains all the precious memories of the past. All the birthday cards and holiday cards from friends and family. I don't why I brought a lot of "garbage" to Canada, but I decided not to throw them away as they contain the fragrance of the past and fill in the contents of my memories. I read my diaries and had great time laughing at how silly and immature I sounded. Back then the Carol of the past thought that by 16 I would be mature enough to know "everything"! Yet I am still uncertain and confused about the future. The things that seemed so serious and important back then became jokes to me now. I wonder what would I feel like reading my own blog after 10 years or even 1 year. I stop focus on my problems of the present and view them as part of my life, events that will bring tears and joy in the future. My perspectives broaden over the years and will continue to expand. I realize that who I am now is only an immature version of who I will be in the future. As I continue to grow in Christ, I determine to let God transform me from the inside out.

no title yet

The mountain is precipitous and my knees are weak,
I, a dreamer, stop at the foot of the mountain, dreaming.
Too afraid to mount my ideals and climb my dreams,
I, a coward, stay at the foot of the mountain, waiting.

I just started this poem and don't intend to finish it until I actually live it. I don't have a title for it yet, because it all depends whether or not the coward will stop waiting and live up to God's divine plan. I am gonna say this prayer once again: "Lord, give me courage to do Your Will!"

True Joy

To the world, this may be the weirdest time to be happy since my dad lost his job and my family is facing a financial crisis. But to God, it is the best time for me to learn to be happy. For I have always believed that something easily attained cannot be genuinely treasured. Laughter that comes from the heart fills the whole body and similarly, sorrow wrecks the person from the inner soul. Paul showed me in the book of Philippians how to be happy in the midst of all the sufferings. I can't help myself but be happy for I can only see the beautiful sky in God's Creation rather than the hardship. "The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."-phill. 4:5-7. Things can be worst, but our God is a loving and merciful God. My dad worked at the same company for more than 5 years ever since he first came to Canada. Back then he only faced the hardship of seeking a job for 2 months. I see our whole family coming closer and closer together spiritually and emotionally. We rely on God to carry us through this storm. Yet I am so grateful that although my dad lost his job, we still have each other and the God's Love, which is unchangeable. My dad learned to say a simple prayer to God, "If You want me to find a job, I will. If You don't want me to find a job, I won't" In another word, "Let Your will be done". This is surrender to us, knowing that our own effort is futile, and God is in control whether we let Him or not.

When God Seems Distant

There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?
I guess I am going through "the winter of the heart" as others call it. Lord, I am doing my very best to be happy in front of people. Inwardly I look, I only see emptiness not happiness. Lord, You said You would remain faithful forever and You would carry me through the toughest storms. I turn to You for comfort for only You understands. When I close my eyes, I can still feel Your great love despite my own feelings. I feel the rolling river and little storm rushing me by, I feel like I cannot stand still by myself anymore. Yet Your unchangeable love will calm the storm. I know that no matter what I feel, You are always there. Lord, pick me up and help me through. I can only rely on You! Hold my hand and don't let go!

my dad lost his job

Mang changes occured in my house after my dad lost his job. It was hard enough to talk to my dad longer than 2 hours. Let alone being with him the whole day. I think we are both trying hard to be close friends with each other, but when my dad is in a bad mood, I've learned to stay away from him. I feel like everyone in the house is trying to force a smile, you know, one of those smiles that never reach the eyes. They just fade away as quickly as they appeared a second ago. (hopefully i am not confusing anyone.) We are all extremely nice to each other, but I think we should really stop pretending to be happy when all the pressures are weighing on our hearts. I would say that today is a "bad hair day" for me, and I just can't be cheerful. At least God wouldn't mind me being honest with Him. I can't force a smile on my face, so I am gonna stay gloomy.
Wow, I got the attitude going on there. lol anywayz I am beginning to be like the girl in "how to deal". The only reason I am mad right now is because I always think about myself. Things will get better and plus this is not my "home" anywayz! How short is this life compare to eternity?