where is the passion? the fire that once flamed wildly in my heart? the desire to know U more each and everyday? all faded out...what remained is self-perservation
and why? u know why.. cuz i am all wraped up in my own lil world.. caring only about myself... i shouldn't make the same mistake again! to put marks (and everything else it entitles) above U.. what troubled my heart should be the lost souls not the lost marks!
How can i stand here and not be moved by You? (both an exclamation and a question)
I pray that U make it an exclamation from my heart, God.

mourn

what do people mean when they say 'i am not afraid of God because i know He is good'? Have they never even been to a dentist? - one of the many random thoughts from "A Grief Observed" by Lewis
 
there has been too much rejoicing, cheerfulness in me for the last weeks... ppl say that nobody likes to be sad... but i think i am the exception.... for some twisted reason .. i like to be sad, and stay sad too, as if joy is a perfection that doesn't belong to this world... a cliche "too good to be true" and if i obtain that joy for a while.. it will only be snatch away from me... and more sorrows follows.. so i figure the safest way around is to stay sad. and stay away from joy... or u could call that cowardice
 
i was wondering how come a divorce didn't follow the first family dispute between Adam and Eve.. ( the part when they pointed fingers at each other).. or maybe it did... since they are no longer perfect.. so if ppl say that conflicts can be good and can bring ppl closer together... i am sure the conflic prior to the Fall wasn't one of those
 
i have this weird thinking that life is suppose to be morbid, "happy endings" only happen in movies... is that the reason y everytime i listened to love songs i wanted to throw up.. or there is more reason to that.. i donno.. but since i used past tense for the last sentence.. i guess i am beginning to change... the lil mermaid is still a bubble in the sea.. and for some weird reason which i hate.. she is happier than b4.. just cuz she saw the prince' smile
 
anywayz.. enough w/ my totally random thoughts
i wonder when paul said "rejoice always", did he not know that Jesus also said "blessed are those who mourn".. yes in theological point of view.. both make sense.. since both are said in diff and for diff situations... my head gets it
but my heart doesn't.. to what extent do i mourn and taste God's blessings and then it gets too much that i hafta turn back and rejoice again.. and to what extent to i rejoice in His blessings and then it gets too sweet that i hafta mourn and repent again... suppose God can draw a line for everything He calls us to do.. then it would be easier
 
i never got to read all of lewis' writings, but i gotta say this book spoke from his heart (what do i mean by heart? as heart is just that organ that keeps a person alive.. or is it more to it? yes God dwells in it... or does he always?) never got to the end yet.. but i am sure He has something kind of conclusion to all of his doubting... or else ppl would say that He turned away from God after his wife's death.. what's wrong w/ doubts... don't that prove that at least he is thinking about God truthfully instead of other ppls who just say the rite sunday school answer to please ppl not God?
 
back to reality.. manager was giving me a very hard time... her long face.. and no matter how much i smile.. she still has that long face on her
also parents got into fights and got out of it again.. it just happens too fast.. i donno when they are fighting and when they are not.. they just become life somehow.. part of this cycle.. do they bring them closer? what is fighting then? when one party of the two raises his/her voice higher.. or does it need two parties.. what if just one person fighting w/ herself.. like what i am doing rite now? part of me just wanna kick myself and stop typing.. cuz this is getting nowhere.. nothing funny or happy ... or y does that part of me finds everyrthing funny.. what's soo funny? the part of me that is controlling my typing has always been surpressed... perhaps if i get the sad part of me control myself.. i will be weeping in tears and shaking (i stopped doing that for a while now, maybe i should resumed.. so that either side is surpressed) i am sure ppl don't wanna see the sad part of me.. i am keeping it to myself and God...
mom is calling me to get ready for the family dinner.. kinda pissed off .. but i will just do down and be happy as usual cuz that's what ppl except me to be.. or sometimes.. thats really what i want.. to be happy... i am not really acting when i am happy.... just two carols in me.. i donno which one is the true me
 

spiritually low... losing this close relationship w/ u, God, losting the passion, the fire.. mostly cuz i didn't get to go to the mission trip... guess i gotta serve and live for U everyday.
last spiritual dry was in gr.10, and BCF got me back on my feet again .. there is a sincere heart that yearns for U within me, but there is also part of me that wants to go back to the old comfortable yet deadly self.
i want say it w/ all my heart " I will worship till my breath runs dry" but there just isn't enough passion and motivation within me
i wanna be the prodigal son, but rite just indifferent enough to be the older brother scoffing and complaining.. but the fact is the older brother longs for your loving arms too... just he's got too much pride.. too comfortable where he is now.. maybe that's true for me too
i guess i like to stand on the top of the mountain and forgot that i need to spend days of nites climbing up the mountain
waiting to hear him say "Well done, good and faithful servant!" Until then, sustain me in Your sufficient grace!

on a lighter and happier note:
i realize that my fave colours: pink and blue.. i just noticed that almost everything in my cloest is either blue or pink, one green top and that's it.. so yeah.. was gonna use a blue background again.. but it was too mature and sad for me =P so chose this pink childish happy one instead, cuz i just realized that i have grown up so fast i don't even know myself anymore.. maybe it's time to slow down a bit

things that need to be accomplished this summer:
- find two jobs? (parents want me to)
- get g2 (prolly not enough time)
- and one that's less tangible, grow in Chirst