summer!!!

YEAH!! SUMMER!!! WOW... whatever.. lol never really liked summer, b/c i am soo used to doing things instead of just being, busy instead of peace.. always on a run .. going to places... doing things.. thought that's the only way to be productive, boy was it wrong!
last week was crazy, worked everyday and every other day that i didn't worked i chilled w/ friends or car wash!!
This week, i really tasted the boredom of summer, sleep at 12 and wake up at 12 lol.. and then take a nap again at 3 wow.. what a way to spend a day eh? BUT these past two days have been soooo meaningful... talking to my mom and just being w/ her and listen to her non-stop talking about the past, about my dad's family, about her family, about everything that made her cry and smile at the same time. those were eternal moments that surpasses hours studying for the next bio test... those were the moments were God smiled and all the angels sang.. everyone was still.. except my mom just kept on talking... i listened.. not really to her.. just to the calmness in my heart

grateful

turned 18 yesterday... one word to describe me rite now is grateful
thankful for watching over me in the past 18 yrs.. even during times when i didn't acknowledge Ur presence.. now to look back u were there anywayz..
sometimes sitting in the car... i zoned out while my parents talk about all the financial problems.. how they gonna pay for things when my mom lost her job..(it was ur plan isn't God? u closed a door, but u opened a window for us.. mom lost her job and dad just found a new one.. may not be the best pay but it's enough =D) all the chatters fade out in the background.. i look into the big blue sky and i can always c U smile rite back at me... those are the moments all the problems about school, uni, jobs seem so small in comparison to ur grace ur unfailing love.. i just pray that i can always be grateful no matter what.. God i am never too sure about anything in life.. but i am certain about anything i will never change my mind... one of things is Ur love.. i may have doubted u, but i never drift away... i'll never let go
bless this summer.. let it one that is pleasing in ur eyes.. i am a sinner, but u desire a sincere heart that struggles and seek after you.. God i failed on so many tasks and fell on so many roads.. but don't give up on me.. i will get up each time for u, b/c u have given me soo much more

He is faithful

If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
If we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
if we faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself
-2 tim 2:11-13

God, my life has been pretty crazy.. with uni, rez, STM, exams, jobs.. and many other things.. feel like caught in between... and everything is spinning cuz i am used to certainty.. i want know exactly what's gonna happen the moment i wake up in the morning... something i should really get rid of..
rite now.. lil stressed about exams.. but then again... thru past yr.. i came to know that marks aren't there forever.. 100 hrs of study can't even be compared with 10 min spend w/ friends or family.. so i am learning to seek what's important in ur eyes

above are just what's on the surface.. to get deeper God... grant me faith like a child. an unwavering faith that perseveres in hardship.. b/c whatever awaits me in the future... no matter how dark the road is gonna get,Ur light will shine in the darkness and the promise U have given me will never fade away.. and you will remain faithful... C.S. Lewis said "a man who has God and everything else has no more than a man who has only God."
Your love is what i am holding onto.. at the end of day... everything else fades out... Ur love will leave me in awe

after all the mess.. and going crazy i think i have high blood pressure due to stress response lol... well at least it's short term...
peace... peace...
I don't know y.. but there is always part of me that doubts, worries
I am shocked at how cynical i can be deep down inside... not that i pretend to laugh tho...just when i am w/ friends i kinda go into the 12 year-old mode.. at least that's what ppl perceived me to be like

just this sun during service, somehow I got so annoyed by all the thanksgiving songs.. and the whole time i was troubled, which is the worse attitude during worship.. and i wanted to walk away cuz i know my heart was not real, so what's the point of singing all those happy songs, when i don't believe them w/ my heart and soul

i think if i keep on going w/ all the examples.. i can lose the peace again... sometimes i just wanna scream for no reason... is it cuz i gotta too much glucose in my blood.. (bio test is getting under my skin now)
pissed off mode: mad at anyone but no one, pissed at anything but nothing... that doesn't help

the truth is my heart at those moments chose to ignore the blessings.. the obvious blessings that just shout out in my life: God's unfailing love, His sufficient grace, family, all the friendships i have
if i want to my brain can trick me to believe that i don't even exist along w/ all the blessings i have in this life.. and the purpose of my life: to love and worship HIm

getting ticked off when the phone rings.. and when ppl msg me to ask for help... i can't even keep myself calm sometimes.. sometimes i just need to disconnect from the outside world for a while and seek solitude time.. cuz i can get a bit crazy under stress (understatement lol)

w/ all the changes coming up, I feel much like the caterpillar during Metamorphosis... looking into the mirror, and i c myself and also a stranger that i can't even recognize...
feel like i am caught up in a typhone... and everything that i am familiar of are passing me by and no matter how fast i try to chase after them.. they are gone forever
God, it's just that things are changing too much, but i still want to stay the same... maybe i just woke up into another person's life... maybe my life is still there waiting for me go back
can i go back to the summer nitez i spent w/ cousins running around the streets?
can i be a lil girl again, so i can still sit on my daddy's shoulder, the tallest place i could be at back then?

"the Lord's unfailing love and mercy still continue, fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise. The Lord is all I have, and so I put my hope in him." Lam 3:21-24

U brought me thru almost 6 yrs of chinese education (that was brutal), u brought me thru 2 yrs of readjustment in Canada
U were there when i went back to China again
Now looking back i can laugh at my tears when my lil chicks died.. and i can smile at gr. 8 grad nite now... they seem so small now, but it was soo big of a deal back then
5 yrs from now, would i laugh at this blog too?
i guess... there is no mountain too big for Almighty God
faithful Father, hold my hands, cuz i am scared to grow up

looking inside.. and i just get so disgusted by myself.. filled w/ selfishness, anger, pride, worries. God i want a new heart, a new beginning... i know U already promised that on the Cross.. but i just feel so unworthy to recieve Ur grace yet again.. so tired to get up sometimes
things being really bothering me:
- living at campus or at home... this whole college dream of mine, i just hold on to it too tight rite now.. need to let it go, really the best way to help out my parents is to live at home.. that's gonna save a lota money...but the selfish part of me just want to live on campus
- anger for no reason and against no one.. just frustrated
come and fill me up God.. need Ur living water to water up this dry heart of mine

unworthy to be called Urs, unworthy to be Ur servant

haven't blog for quite a long time now... part of me feel this sense of dread.. like everything sucks and nothing is working out... but the other part of me just feel excessively happy ... my emotions are soo unstable, that's a very carol thing to say
being having meaningful convo w/ ppl these days... beginning to learn that those quality time spent w/ ppl are everlasting and more important than projects/tests/marks
especially talking to christian friends, just felt God's presense... quite amazing...school fellowship is going okay now.. just pray that Josh n kenny will talk again.. they are both vital for the fellowship, can't have one w/o the other...
chem review questions!!! i gotta slow down sometimes.. and learn how to chill.. just now in the momentum of working.. and can't get out of it