i was sitting there.. and all of the sudden i remembered that i forgot to put a title for my english essay.. which my teacher would really like...and then the fact that i didn't do too well on calc... sigh.. i guess life is never perfect, but the imperfection makes it interesting, that's a line from a song that i heard somewhere..
anywayz.. i've been reading this weird book "A new kind of Christian" by Brian D. McLaren, i chose it cuz it was on sale =P n the intro about he as a pastor wanted to quit.. but then stay in ministry ... so i was excepting something like revival of faith...but this book offers something altogether different instead... it was really bad idea to read it the nite b4 my calc exam, cuz it totally threw me off as i recorded on my last journal entry...and i almost wanted to write it as a cult book .. and threw away...but then i learned to give the benefit of the doubt to ppl and books.. and continue reading... more cuz it's a novel n i like novel a lot (ohmy i talk soo much nonsense.. in a nut shell the book offers these ideas)
-medieval world (500 a.d. to 1500 a.d. ) then modern world (1500 a.d. till now) the ancient world and prehistory are not necessary to his point. The medieval world or the Catholics had their worldview as the context for their faith: such as king as divine appointed by God, earth is the centre of the universe, grace plus works etc. so his point is that modern Christian also intertwin a different but equally contingent worldview with the eternal faith." Then, it talks about the world is moving on to postmodernity, but Christianity is still staying modern... he also quoted C.S. Lewis a lot. A good example he provided was the idea God is in control, and we like to think of a machine with buttons, but ppl who wrote the bible at the time prolly thought of farmers in control of anmials or parents in control of their kids

my thinking is that what difference does it make even if we move on to postmodernity like Jonathan what's his name oh Edwards.. did with First Great Awakening in U.S... he sealed all the way from England to tell "old Christian" that just as long as a person accept Christ as personal Saviour, belonging to a religious institutution or not does not affect one's salvation..then he got all yelled at by traditional Christians ( i don't have my "baby" here so i can't be too detailed on that event) On any rate, even if we do move on, there is still gonna be flaws in church, in a religion where man sets up ideas to catergorize everything.. i like the example the book gave about conversion, it's not about coversion but coversation, relationships with non-Christians... it isn't just a one-time thing that a person said some magically words.. and everything is done.. and now that Christian can add one number to the list

and then there are things i don't agree with... he goes about pointing flaws in evangelical thinking and liberal thinking.. and in a way he agrees that both are right.. and never taking a stand... it just confused me a lot .. and i really donno how to make of his points... cuz they are totally different from pastor NG's sermons

another thing that i agree is the fact that most Christians nowadays are becoming like Pharisees.. espeically me actually.. the fact that we are not willing to accept ppl who have different moral codes from us.. but what kind of ppl did Jesus hang with? not the bible scholars for sure, cuz they were just too proud to accept Jesus' radical teaching.. it's no wonder Jesus put the prostitute Mary b4 the biblicaly scholar simon in terms of love for HIm.. then i realize how easy it is for a total sinner to be truly saved than for a self-righteous Pharisee. This may sound really unChristian of me.. but i think the easiest way for a person to become a Pharisee is to become a pastor.. and that's y i truly admire humble pastors who admit their faults openly instead of covering it up so they can have the righteous image... what was the bigger sin.. the adulteress or the Pharisees who want to stone her and test Jesus at the same time... my opinion is we are all sinners in God's eyes.. no difference.. just Christians came to know that we are sick and need healer... and some don't... doesn't mean we are anymore better than
non-Christians.. k that was too much for one entry.. hehe... i will update some other time

i gotta admit the unstability of my faith, or humanity for that matter... we just run around changing all the time, while God is unchanged, and stable. Doubts come up again, God, help me with my belief.
Rather i am pretty grateful in a way for my doubts, cuz they make me reexamine my faith... what is it's foundation? Is it b/c my parents go to church, so i go too? Is it b/c i have good Christians friends who believe in you. Is my faith based on others' faith? B/c they believe, so somehow i have to believe too? What if and that is a big what if, i am like ejiah or at least that's what he thought he is the only person who believes in God, will I still say with my heart and soul that i believe. I don't think most ppl have the same problem, but I am an easily-influencd person, from hip-pop to shopping. I change as my environment change, or in one word or actually 2 words: peer pressure. I am just not satisfied with the depth of my faith, the fact that it would possibly change based on the environemnt that I will be in. What about uni? what's gonna happen there if i don't get my faith straight.
Then, with all that running around and doubting... i came to the core , or rather the right foundation of my faith. It's not peer pressure or environment or books i read .... It's a Person, the living God, the raising Christ! The Word of God will never change, everthing else might change, but He never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Now I am finally stepping on solid rock there. There, with that cleared up i think i am ready to study now. Is it just me or i'm the only person who has to go through all the troubles and struggles and finally say I believe? Oh well, I got Jesus who understands, and that's more than enough, WAY MORE.

a love letter to my sweet Saviour, Jesus
I was lost and alone, and you ran towards me with open arms. Your love startled me, I didn't know what to do. I only knew there is someone who understands me.

Later, The storm waged war against me,.. and i was in despair. then you appeared walking on water among the waves... there you were walking calmly. I walked towards to you, but when i took my eyes off of you and focused them on the waves and storms..... i drowned..yet you still saved me...

The wave quieted down now.. and the storm ceased... so i turn to other things instead of you God. Then, you gently knock on the door of my heart and wake me up. Lord, if there is one thing we are called to do it's to love you to adore you. and here I am, God... on my knees...nothing matters except you... here I am, believe me when i say i love you.. you alone can save this wrenched fool... you trusted me with your blood, but i don't have much to offer... except my life that can only be made holy by your hands

in awe of You for eternity
yours forever.......
carol

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. - Isaiah 43:2,3
i should add some colour to my blog.. since it has been sooo blue lol
the last 5 min of physics exam... when i knew i did okay... when i knew God strengthen me all the way.... i was gonna cry... and they were grateful tears.... it has been an amazing year... the end is coming on monday.. but the hardest trial is over.. as I reflect upon this year.. there are soo many things that I am truly grateful of. God, I am soo thankful that i did not get 90's, cuz 80's humbled me and I truly learned to rely on you. 100% cannot buy that! Through this year, God i came to know you from a completely different way. You are not a distanced God, u are a God who saves... and I don't think I can breath another moment w/o your presence. I came to see you from shaddered glass... and you become more clear to me than ever b4. Your unfailing love, your power, your strength. Emmanual, W/o you, God i couldn't possibly get through this year.
When Satan tempts me to worry.. to doubt your presence, your power... your Word delivered me from the evil one... and God, thank you for piercing me, i am the clay and you are the potter.. here I am telling you not to press too hard... but when i look back on this year.. i just want you thank you for hard trials... because my root goes deeper in you after the storm.. and I can truly see I am a different person from the beginning of year.. although i am still weak.. but i learning to rely on you God... too much math : what is my problems over God, write it as a fraction..... lol zero! it's like 1/ infinity=0 lol... see things this way helped me to approach my problems with hope rooted deeply in God, who never changes....
I want to thank you for the good times and most of all the hard times.... it's all worth it.. and I would go through them all over again.. if that's what it takes to truly fall into ur arms... i would go through them all over again

studying for exams is not fun.. I am staring into space.. and my head is spinning physics and algeo formulas.... still spinning.... around and around... but the good thing is... exam will be over soon!!!!! not so much about the break, but the fact that a semester is over. A task is complete, a race is done. Through it all, I can truly see God's work. He gave me strength to get this through, and I need credit God for all my accomplishments. Well, and failures are part of His great plan too. They really humbled me. I have been studying for the whole day.. just sitting in the same chair... studying physics and algeo back and forth... can't wait till next semester where i can learn histroy!!!! Although i don't really like the teacher... but then... it's World History!!!!!!!!! yah! =D

i never thought i was able to pull this through: 4 tests on one day, but God's grace is suffiicent for me. Last nite, i was having a lil bit of problem( that was an understatement btw) Don't mean to pull out Satan to scare ppl. Perhaps being reading too much "Screwtape", but doubts and fear keep on coming up to my mind. it was like a voice asking all the questions of "whatifs" and "howwells". Jesus said if u are my sheep, u will know my voice. so i learned to turn to the Word of God for strenghth/
"Utterly Meaningless! Everything is meaningless. What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun? ..."
and the wise Solomon goes on and on about how meaning less life is. then i realize all the earthly things i do have the same fate. It's like a plane flying across the sky, or a cork on the ocean.. so my life on earth is just that small compare to eternity. When Christ comes back again, perhaps all the physics laws will change and math as well. What difference does it make if i get 90 or 60.... not much.
Life w/o Christ is meaningless...

well a week passed since the holidays.. and i got well around 2 weeks till the end of everything.. as in all the nightmares.. as in all the stupid courses that i didn't need to take.... as in i will have a life again.. well at least for a week or so b4 the second term comes
let see.. i got 4 tests on monday.... acutally 3 major ones ..n one that counts or doesn't count... whateva so confusing.. and one presentation on tue... also i got algeo and physics exams on the same day which is rite after english exam.... talk about serious bad exam schedule
one thing to share about tho... all the books i have been reading just "coincidently" talk about the same thing: continued communion w/ God.. that's when i realize the weakness in my spiritual journey w/ God.. b/c I mean i pray to God.. and especially this term... especially b4 tests.. i would come down to my knees and cry out to HIm.. and begin to drink His living water thru the scripture.. really learned to read the Word w/ my mind, heart and soul
the problem is when i wake up in the morning tho... or when there is no test to worry about .. i just kinda forget about God.. and live my life as if God is not w/ me.. when i came home today.. i had to walk... and the cold weather clear up my mind.. i realize i never uttered a single thought about God or to God at school... talk about 2 lives! the whole time i thought i started a school fellowship and that's gotta be something.. but hey man .. i am sooo caught up w/ school work(not that it's bad) that i hardly have time to help out the guys w/ organizing the fellowship.. pray that Cedric, kenny, and josh lol will lead the fellowship to glorify God, since val is too lazy to do anything blah!=p and me just too busy rite now
I need to learn to simultaneously worship and work.. meaning when i am deriving a stupid log equation, i am thanking God.. worship isn't gotta be on ur knees or play a guitar.. it's the continous prayer.. most of the time just in awe... i find praying in mental silence and just listen to the HS can help me a lot
"In order that He mgiht make worshipers out of rebels; in order that He might restore us again to the place of worship we knew when we first created." that's gotta be the best explanation for the Cross

The first day of school after the holidays... just lil stressed out...it really all comes down to this: what matters most to me? eternal things or marks... well i guess i don't hafta check the bible to know the answer
God, this is my pride... my exceptations, my plans... here u go... take them and help me not to take them back in my moment of weakness
I just realize that I prolly only need an 80's to get into most of the univs.. and 87 for queens or u of t.. so that's it .. i don't need to bring my marks up anymore.. those are the cut lines.. i just need to get this thru with U and i will be fine
Trust is a mutual thing, U trusted me with Ur son's blood... so I am gonna trust U with my life and everything's in it... b/c I trust that U are almighty.. sovereign, Emmanuel! Above all... I belong to U...let me rest in ur arms

God, y do u hafta make things soo complicated.... i want a simple life.. i want to be 12 forever...i don't want to grow up... but i will eventually rite?
=) k... fine... i am gonna stop with all my nonsense.. plus school is starting, and that will get me so busy i won't even have time to think other than about You of course.. i do very much sound like a 12 year old rite now
sigh... 18.. i am gonna be 18 soon...someone is gotta be kidding me, cuz that number is too big for me rite now ... i don't think i am mature enough to handle it... 18... soon.. i can still remember playing with my cousins... and running around the house going crazy.. those days are gone foreva i suppose
God the thing is i am scared to grow up... which i should but i am just really scared about the future.. being responsible... being an adult (yeah rite .. carol blah) I guess i can't be a kid forever...

28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.

OK I i think i got ur point....=D if ever get a wish.. which will never come true.. is that i can stop time so i can be a kid forever.. well that's a wish that's never gonna come ture
No point imagining the future.. cuz U already planned everything for me... i am gonna let it go now God.... cuz i trust that U will take good care of my life... I will rest.. and let U be the captain of the ship.. it's foggy out there but ... U can see thru the fog, so no point fretting =D
p.s. I love you... Ur love is too good to be true.. but it is true...