I watched passion of Christ last nite.. it wasn't as great as i thought it was.. i didn't have a spiritual high or anything which is good... just all the gore and blood made me cover my eyes... during the movie i kept praying and trying to understand U, Jesus... something made me cry with joy inside... all the physical and spiritual suffering U had to go through are worth it... for pure hearts in these lil creatures that u created. For a repent heart, u gave up ur spirit. For a saved soul, u bore all our sins. From the movie, i think ppl shouldn't focus too much on the sufferings.. instead just rejoice that U raise .. and still living.

This semester has been... very smooth.. too smooth i should say. No storms, no big problems, to a point Satan deceives me that I can handle everything on my own. I've been doing that for a while now, b/c nothing really big to ask God to help. I am slowly going down to another spiritual low, the gosepl slowly losing its power on me. I stop being in awe of HIm, and just walk away.
God, see the thing is I want to love you, reach out to you, touch you, be healed by you. But I get so comfortable in this world, that i am beinging to lose the connection with you. The grace that once saved me from sin. The love that once touched my broken heart. The hand that once picked me up from my fall. The Cross that once brought me down on my knees. I don't want to lose them, God. Come and fill me up, cuz i am empty. not scared but just empty here w/o your touch. Remind me of my thirst for your living water.

Valentine's day and also a celebration for my 17 years of singlehood lol... i have no regrets that i stayed single throughout my high school years even during sweet 16..growing up now.. i have a diff perspective on dating.. cuz God, U became bigger... more important in my life that i forgot about other things.. well not totally. sometimes i just struggle to trust U, but i realize that if i focus on U, "seek first the kingdom of God, and all the things will be given as well" so God help me to love U more, cuz i am not satisfied with the level of my spirituality, i know Ur love goes deeper than this.. than just my weekly activity for fellowship.. it goes deeper in my inner soul... so come God and dwell in me.. so that i can be changed by U from the inside out. Remind me always of your presence every moment of my life, cuz it's a great loss that i didn't know U for the first 12 years of my life..and i will let every moment of my life count from now on.. come and fill me up God!

now i think about it my dad may be the person that love me the most on earth.. except my heavenly Father of course.. yet we are so distanced.. in fact we were never close.. too many times he hurt me with his quick temper or his sharp words
it seems weird to me, cuz my dad could be the nicest person to other ppl, but he's not like that at home. i mean he is getting better now, but still his hot temper can really start a heart attack and i am not kidding. Those tempers are ignated by lil things, but mainly caused by his bad mood i think. on my part, i admit i haven't done much to understand him or really talk to him. it just seems like he is my dad and we talk...and that's it. sometimes, i would talk to him about science, history, physics.. things that my mom doesn't understand. but i know i would never open my heart to him, cuz from experience he is really good at making u more worse with his know-it-all authority.
i think i am being unfair, he can be a really nice person, but i guess not today. He is not talking to me again after his temper. The fault is mine, cuz i was a bit pissed that he cooked dinnoer so late, but no need to throw a temper..

first day of the week goes by pretty fast i thought.. this semester is not as stressful as last one.. and i realize that God wants me to put more time in to the school fellowship. I think with all the works i tend to lose sight of God's vision in our school, so need to light the fire again
not much hwk, but a lot of scholarships and uni applications to do.. so not gonna say much except the fact that God loves me seem to comfort me in the midst of rejections from nom. of scholarships lol

exams are done and marked... last term ended with a period.. not too bad... all the skating, skiing and the time spent with church friends are gone... i donno y but i just feel a bit down everyweek after sunday school the whole sunday afternoon is always a drag..preparing for school stress... and i am just not as tight with my school fellowship friends as i am with my church friends, which is normal.. but somehow i really want to make the last year of high school memorable... espeically the fellowship.. i just donno if i will have enough time with the TC captaining going on.. pluz the fact that i don't even know my co-cap yet... ( a bit weird)i also need to spent time for the school fellowship, God help me plz!
This is one of the down times after all the hyper times i had this whole weekend.. sometimes i feel like the happy times go by too fast... and the week days come, and i am hit by reality.. life is not just all laughter.. there is stress, pressure.. work.. the hardest thing to obey in the bible is rejoice... rejoice and be glad always... God will you come and fill my heart?...cuz ican't rejoice on my own.. ican't be grateful all the time.. sometimes i can be such a jerk really.. depressed, selfish, self-centred, want attention for no reason, jealous. My heart can be such a dark place... full of deceit and selfishness.. u know more than anyone else how bad a person i am .. so pick me up and strengthen me.. cuz i would be truly lost without U.