I never blog anything about my guy problems lol, sniff .. i miss/hate those days when i wake up in the morning and one person's name always came up to mind... or rather those names... Although i hated myself so much for liking guys

that nite when i found out that all my crushes have gfs kinda drag me down a bit. but i also pity myself for falling for those guys b4. There are so many things to learn, so many dreams to chase. Although romance is in everyone's life, but that's not what life is all about. i guess we all long for someone who can completely understand us, but that's only possible with God. He's got me all figured out better than myself, and when i put my faith completely in Him.. then everything starts to fall into place. Don't except too much from ppl or rely on anyone, cuz they won't catch u everytime u fall.. only God can and will =D

Ever since i was a child, I found refuge in books. An almost mysterical adventure that add years to my age. Books open up to a fantasy world where the reality cannot even catch the magical spark. Discovering Alcott might be a lesbian was like telling a six-year-old that Santa Claus is a fraud. I put so much dreams into Little Women and weeped over Beth's death. To think that the author hated writing the book crashed my world. I guess lost of innocence is like the recurrent theme of romance, it happens in every novel and in every life.
There are times i feel like thoughts are flowing in my head that if i don't write them down, my head is gonna explore. Reading "Soul Survivor" by Yancey opened up a brand new world for me, a world of Christian literature. I had to catch my breath to follow his thoughts. The book truly did its job to provoke its reader to inform themselves.

Something to think about: All of us, Christians, we tried to live out Christ, live out His perfect vision. Yet, none succeed His perfection. Our lives almost tainted the perfect gospel. (in history,.. lol yeah we all know about those... embarrass to mention them). Yet, maybe this is what God wants, God wants to give the gospel to the weak, the poor, the ordinary to prove His power and glory. We are like the lil man behind the huge manchine in the Wizard of the Oz saying "pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! Look at the light show." Although we stumble as we walk, but we are walking on the right path... we might not be successful in the process... but we are the winners at the end of the race.
I stumble and I fall almost everyday. Although i know about the "do not worry" verse inside out, yet i still come back to my old problems all the time. But it's the unquenchable spirit that God adores. Failures are more valuable than success, b/c it tests one's character. I still stumble, but w/ God's love, I will always get up after each fall to prove that I will follow HIm until the very end!
"With the help of the thorn in my foot, I spring higher than anyone with sound feet." -Kierkegaard

Hope
It is the first rain drop after the drought, the olive leaf in the hands of Noah.It gives joy to Jesus as He walked towards the cross, strength to Paul with thorn in his flesh.
It is evidence of dry land after a flood, proof to the dreamer that dreaming is worth the risk. w/o it, life becomes meaningless and living becomes suffering. w/ it, clouds becomes rainbows, pain becomes joy, tears becomes laughter, and this heart of mine becomes HIS.

"'Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.' The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." - Psalm 46:10,11
Everyone got masks... mask to hide their pains. It's like I am trained to act a certain way w/ certain ppl... that's the topic for ISP.... gotta think about it on PA day.. yah!
I went thru yet another depression or a blue period lol, yeah.. it was hard during that time. I was controlled by fear... completely, all my head knowledge about God aren't sufficient... I needed to reach down into my soul to search for answers. The fact is I still got questions... still feel uneasy about things in this world. BUT the answer and solution to all my doubt is God's everlasting presence. God is an Immanuel God. I still worry.. still fear.. but everytime those feelings creep in my heart.. i can hear God's still whisper " I am still here" That's a good enough answer for me! =D

I thank you
I thank you for hue of sunset on the clouds,
for the snowflakes on my nose,
for the clear blue sky and the orange sun.
I thank you for the darkest night,
for the clouds that cover the sun,
for the tears on my face.

Help me to be thankful during good times and bad times.
Help me to put my trust in U always.
only U can grant me the peace that lasts.
I want to run away...away...from my life
from all the troubles
BUT I still want Ur presence.
I thank you for the shattered glass, b/c I can "see" more clearly the hope that U promised me.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
the time on my computer is wrong again!!!! hahahahha =D so wrong, it's not even funny anymore lol!!!! (too hyper on a friday nite)
anywayz... i have a point to all of these non-sense.
Although I never experienced child abuse... i read it in "Jane Eyre". Although I never starved myself (except for 30 hour famine), I have seen the horrific pics of holocaust. I guess I went thru "discrimination" hahah sorry i had to use such a big word, but it was nothing compare to what the black ppl went thru in the 50's and 60's and prolly continue to encouter even now. i got a sense of it in history class.
There is somthing mysterious about the "poor", the "lowly"...because they are RICH! AND I mean really RICH spiritually! They've got this amazing faith in the midst of all the sufferings. They are happier than the ppl who seem to have "everything" in the world.
Below is one poor black woman's statement.. and I wonder is she really "poor" at all?:
"My will isn't what matters; it's His. If He wants me to suffer like this, I guess HE has His reasons. You're here to prove your trust in HIm. If someone offered me a million dollars, and said I could have all I want to eat for myself and my children, but I'd have to stop thinking about Him and start thinking of myself only, then I'd know I was in real trouble...."
It's a pretty stupid thing to whine... to grumble... although it is in my sinful nature. ppl who are way less fortunate than I are able to hold on to Jesus... b/c that's all they have left. They don't come to pray to God b/c they can't sleep (like me), they come to God b/c HE is their source of inspiration. Forget about Zen buddism saying there is no logic, no suffering. The sufferings are real! the lil girls raped by their fathers! the ppl starving to death everyday! the lepers, the blind! I "see" them everywhere, present or the past... yet in the midst of all these, God asks us to smile... to smile and notice the good things of the world. We live in a tainted image of the perfect world God intended us to live in.. and we are not comfortable in this world b/c this is not home. But although the image is tainted, it still got good things in it. Although ppl are sinful, we are still made in the image of God.
But most importantly... we got heaven. Heaven proves that all the sufferings in the world are worth it!
That's y uncle tom had the "sacred delight" during those dark ages, b/c he says he's closer to Jesus when he suffers. And all the "poor" would be much closer to Him in the kingdom of heaven.
This acts as a reminder for me... so that in whatever bad circumstances I will be in. I will be able to learn to smile, learn to hold on to Jesus, learn to stop grumbling, stop focusing on the bad things and notice that God is still here...He never left us. And He is gonna come back to restore His new kingdom again!! Live as if He's gonna come back tomorrow, that way .. my geo marks would not matter much anymore lol!!! ahaha.. i am hungry.. gotta eat something hehe

"God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matt. 6:34 MSG)
"Where God’s love is, there is not fear, because God’s perfect love drives out fear." (I John 4:18)
Fear is controlling me again... Lord I am learning.. learning to trust in U. Yet, the circumstance swipe me away, and I lose my faith in U again. If I can't trust U during the hard times, then i don't have trust in U at all.
Help me God! to trust U to focus my eyes on the cross.. so my fear can be diminished and my trust renewed.

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. - Psalm 27: 4
Only God knows y there are so many sufferings... only He knows... we are here to prove our trust in Him period! we are closer to God when we suffer.
U didn't hafta leave the angels, u didn't hafta fight w/ Satan for 40 days, u didn't hafta heal the blind or touched the untouchable. U didn't have to forgive me... y should u forgive me? I constantly see my sins... too many of them I get so disgusted of myself... yet u still love me? This is too good to be true.. but it is true! Since i can't find a logical reason for Ur grace, then i don't need one for the wrongs of the world. U didn't hafta die on a cross, U didn't hafta forsake Ur son.. U didn't hafta be the lamb to be slaughtered.... no need! The world turned against U, we broke ur heart countless times! U really didn't have to do this....
BUT I am glad u did! I am thankful that u did! I'd rather be the prodigal son than his older brother... i have no right to complain about other ppl.... i am bad enuf
Lord.. help me that I can sense Ur presense at ALL TIMES! I can feel Ur love and grace at all times.
My biggest fear is not darkness... my biggest fear is love.... pretty ironic but I was afraid to return Ur love.. i was afraid to love other ppl.... afraid of getting hurt... afraid of falling
Perhaps the pain on the cross touched me.. perhaps Ur patience.. perhaps Ur unconditonal love or the suffering i was going thru..Whatever it was... i was not afraid anymore.. not afraid of falling in love w/ U anymore.. not afraid of loving other ppl anymore.. Fear and God clash... and the my victory is won..i don't hafta live in fear anymore.. thank you... thank you... Love always.... ur lil daughter
p.s. sorry for breaking ur heart so many times.. sorry for the things that i have done wrong in the past or i will do in the future.. i know u already forgave me... just need to say that I am really sorry!!!

gOt somthing in mY eyes when i c the old man run
Maintain world peace or solving world hunger can't move the heart of God, but when a prodigal son runs home, He comes running with hands stretched out .
Thank you God for giving me the privilage to see U change a person! Linda accepted Christ... and I first hafta thank you God for placing hardship in my life 2 yrs ago, so that we can connect w/ her pain. Pray that she will know that U are the only One who understands her pain completely, and U are willing to bear her pain if she lets U.

This fellowship is truly amazing... just last week i felt kinda down, cuz not a lot old friends come anymore.. but last nite it felt like a family! FAMILY IN U! We laughed, we cried in one nite! So much love in the room, cuz U were there!!!
The best way to describe that moment when we cried together.. grace, Linda and I is using Max's words: "An instant in time that had no time. A picture that froze in mid-frame, demanding to be savoured. A minuite that refused to die after sixty seconds. A moment that has lifted off the time line and amplified into a forever so all the angles could witness its majesty" I was, in a very speicaly way, on holy ground.

A Time to Dance

I am not sure the title on this blog will show up, cuz it always screws up.
But today, a guy in my geometry class cried (freaks me out to see a guy cry). I thought it was stomach problem, but other ppl said it's cuz of the test from yesterday. Really don't mean to be sentimental to blog this. I walked outside the classroom as a happy girl, then i decided to say a silent prayer for him. And as I pray, I felt this enormous pain and hurt, and I am pretty sure they are not mine. The pain was from God, as my heart connected His, I got a taste of the great pain He feels for all of us.
After school, I wrote the research journal on grief and September 11th. I always get too personally attach with the things I write. I always like to write w/ my heart instead of my brain.. lol should write w/ both. But my point is, as I wrote the paper, it was like I grieved w/ the victim families. Even now.. it feels like something is poking my wounds... emotional pain passed on from God to me, because HE is in me.
After Lazarus' death, Jesus WEPT!!!! And when we face pain and suffering, He faces them w/ us.......

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever-- do not abandon the works of your hands." - Psalm 138:7-8

The hands that stretch out to me are pierced. I have travelled to various buddist temple back in China. And looking at the statue of budda, his crossed legs, his peaceful and almost mocking smile. Indifferent! yes, that's the word to describle him. Turn to Jesus... blood soaked cross, nail-pierced hands, a fainted smile towards heaven. He is a God who understands my pain, in fact He experienced the worst pain imaginable.

Lord, it seems like life is tough.. it's tough for everyone. Hard to laugh, we tend to hide behind our fake laugters... hide the pain...being down, up and down again. I am so unstable, so esailly influence by my circumstances. "from cradle to grave, life is hard" Yet, that's not how the story ends. We have hope for an eternity in heaven... it seems during the weekdays...i wait and long for the weekend. In this life, I wait for heaven.. and it will last forever. And that IS how the story ends. The hurt is still here...but YOu are rite beside me all the way, Lord.
God, I need u to hold my hands and tell me that everything is going to be okay... whatever happens.... U will be there w/ me... close... very close... rite beside me...

Physics is definately not my most hated subject anymore, it's geometry!!!!! So boring, and pointless. All man-made formulas and diagrams, i don't have a bit of interest in it. I guess that really helps me to rule out my career choice.
Oh man... blah... this site became more like a place for me to talk to myself and God, no one reads it. But then again.. it's very interesting to look back on my blogs in the future.
I am in one of those not-so-happy mood, mainly because the presence of the geometry binder on my desk i suppose. I have no insight today.. just downright grumpy

i am getting 9 hrs of sleep everyday now... 9 hrs! nice!!! I am eating gummy worms while typing... getting hyper! My dad just stole my speaker, so i can't listen to anything. Now I am very puzzled y i was so stressed in the past 2 months? Nothing to be stressed about.. gr. 12 is just another year. My thinking made it so hard i suppose. And after 2 months.. everyone is getting use to either gr.12 or uni... hope the uni ppl are doing okay.
One bad thing about school is that it gives me less time to study the Word of God... (ok i really need to stop eating candy now)! anywayz... it keeps me off the Great Commission given by God. I haven't given much thought about mission in a long time.. and how ppl are longing to hear from this amazing God, who has helped me in sooo many ways. Losing the passion to burn for God.... Lord, don't let me lose it. Busyness can rob away my passion to serve the Lord, and it's really important to tell myself at the end of the day when all the hwk are done that my purpose in life is to serve God. =D It is indeed an honour... and i will not grumble with one denarius like the workers in the vineyard, because working for U is priceless.

The time on my computer is soooo wrong! it's not even funny! And me? I am sooooo lazy this week..... so hard to focus when there is not much to do. I am so bored that I would stare at the computer screen... day dreaming about nothing! and the really crazy thing is kenny told me to shut up so he could do his hwk.. wow!!!! My main point is I am lazy!!!! and no! the world is not coming to an end btw!
I really hafta finish studying for physics quiz.. and then... oh rite.. geo hwk/ review questions.. blah blah... calc hwk (done in class, work on last test).... hamlet essay almost done in class... okie! That will be all i hafta to do for tonite.. hopefully i can finish everything. Also I am sooooooo happy that I am not 14 anymore, wow those hard times of fitting in and being popular... goodness! Thank God those days were over.. and I hate hip pop now!
oh rite! I am still in high school.. and rite prom is coming up... ppl are already pairing themselves up! maybe i don't hafta go w/ a date, cuz my life is complicated as it is.... don't want to make it more complicated. okie! really gotta work hard now!!!!!! ><
God! WATCH OVER ME! make sure that I will use ur time effectively!

There is box of gifts from up above. It consists of good and bad things, happy times and sad times, lovely days and lonely days. Whether good or bad, they are all gifts from the Lord, who prepared my future with delicated care just like how He created me.

God promised peace and rest, if we cast our anxiety on Him. But I get that peace when things are going rite, and lose it when things aren't so rite. No matter how unstable I am, God never changes and either does His Word... something to think about to get me to sleep.